Let’s face it – we’ve all been there. You know, that guilty feeling that you should be doing more of something, and less of something else. Whether it’s getting more exercise in, spending more time with the kids, or avoiding the tendency to constantly check your phone.
It’s hard to find that balance.
To complicate things, in relationships and family systems, finding balance means extending our consideration beyond ourselves. What does is look life for my partner to have balance, for my kids, and for the family as a greater whole?
There are also those life events that are hurled your way that completely knock us off our feet…times in which the concept of balance seems like a fairy tale. These events can also have a lasting, chronic effect; leading to a state in which a person is legitimately struggling for extended periods of time.
I can think of two instances in which this happened in my life. The first, when I was completing my practicum for graduate school and was working long hours (often for free) while my wife was pregnant with our first child. Ya…not such good timing on my part. And the second, coping with the life changes of having the same child! Most parents can relate to the toll of exhaustion that accompanies being a new parent and the difficulty of taking care of oneself during this time.
Given the difficulty of finding balance in an increasingly busy and distracting world, one should probably ask the question, if there was a time that we achieved some form of balance, how would we even know?
Balance includes a sense of congruence of values, priorities, obligations, and personal interests. It may result in a felt sense of peace, of accomplishment, or rewarding interactions with those we love. It might mean that we can objectively say that we are working toward the things that grant us health and a sense of purpose.
Importantly, finding balance is a relative concept. What one person, couple, or family describes as a balanced life might seem like a terrifying roller coaster ride to others, or a lethargic existence to more still.
The circumstances that help you feel grounded are influenced by your personal history, biological and social development, and the goals you have outlined for yourself. It’s okay to allow yourself permission to define what this looks and feels like for you.
In fact, trying to pursue someone else’s balance – such as a person who is naturally introverted trying to keep up with a socialite friend – might simply result in you feeling even more flustered.
Tips for finding balance:
Listen to your body – When we are out of sync, often the first warning signs comes from our body. Little aches and pains, a sense of physical unease such as a nervous stomach, increased sweating, or feelings of exhaustion are all good indicators that we might want to take some time to reflect on our situation.
I find this is especially true for me when I’m going hard in dad-mode: kids almost always come first, and this can take a physical toll. When I get out of bed with a sore back, or I’m walking about like a creaky tin-man, this is a good sign that I need to move my body a bit and stretch as a matter of priority.
Talk with your partner and create a shared vision – Being out of balance can impact both your personal life and relationships, resulting in more conflict and less intimacy with your partner. If you notice that this is the case for you, take some time to talk about where your energy gets allocated as an individual, and within your relationship. Look for ways that you can help each other find individual balance, which can include a discussion of what is missing for you, your partner, or by clarifying goals and priorities.
Use this time to also reaffirm what is important to you as a couple, and see where you can make small adjustments to return to a balanced state. This might include prioritizing events and activities, such as: finding a babysitter so the two of you can reconnect, or revisiting locations or events that have some shared sentimental value.
It can be helpful to write these ideas down to make things really clear and arrange things in order of priority to you.
Get better at letting things go – Sometimes when we feel out of balance it is a sign that we are assuming too much responsibility: trying to manage too many things at a time, or expecting unrealistic results of ourselves.
A wise friend of mine once said: when things get really difficult, lower your expectations. Now, I’m not recommending that you live a sloppy life just because things are stressful, but let’s be realistic – it’s okay to give yourself a break now and then. If you are burnt out at the end of a day, order take-out. If your kid has been a terror, give yourself permission for your house to be messy for a while so you catch your breath, or make a call to a loved one to vent.
The hardest part for many (especially if you have a tendency to be a people pleaser like me) is to say no to added responsibilities or commitments – but boy does this pay off. It is amazing how letting go of an obligation such as participation on a voluntary committee, or insistence on completing a task that isn’t essential at the moment can make a huge difference when you are feeling stretched thin.
Remember, this doesn’t mean that you have to forgo these obligations forever. We can always come back to them when we are feeling more capable, or have more resources to draw on.
Notice how your kids are responding to you – Have you ever noticed that when you are a bit out of sync with your family your kids start to act a little crazy? I have two boys ages eleven and two; when I haven’t been present with them for a period of time their behaviour gets a bit challenging. Think of pre-teen attitude, or little-boy tantrums and you might have an idea of what I’m talking about.
The thing is, when I take just a short amount of time to reconnect with them – I mean really get down to their level of interest or activity – their behaviour is usually great for the better-part of the day. The best part is, these interactions are so rewarding, and often serve as reminders of what is really important in life.
Think small adjustments, not radical shifts – I’m not a huge fan of going too big, too fast. Not only is it potentially unsustainable, it can be really unsettling. In my work with clients, finding the right balance often requires making many small adjustments in several areas as opposed to a major change to one or two things.
Example: – overcoming struggles with anxiety might involve connecting with a therapist once every two weeks, reading a self-help book and reciting affirming statements on a daily basis, and trying to get out of the house a bit more to shake things up.
The important thing here is that as we start to develop some forward momentum, we adjust what we expect of ourselves gradually. This might involve setting more challenging goals – although these should align with a greater sense of self-efficacy as a result of the initial results we obtain.
Tom Nakonechny